Meeting Someone From On Line Safely:
Eight Points of Advice For Submissives

This first article discusses the safety issues you should be thinking about before you respond to someone else's personal ad or even post an ad of your own.

1. Make Sure You Are Anonymous From the Start

Take everything out of your personal ad, the on-line Finger profile associated with your email address, and your Web page (if you point people there) that could allow someone to locate you in person. Identifying information includes your real name, your real location, phone number, a user ID you use to post conventional messages on nonsexual news groups, any school references, etc. (If you own your own web domain, make sure to pay your domain registration service for "whois protection;" if you do not, people who look up your domain online will see your full name, address, and telephone number.) Some people can be very resourceful with very little information.

If you are not Internet-savvy enough to hide your identity on the net, or if you subscribe to one of those Internet service providers who don't allow you to hide your identity, the best way to preserve your privacy (and ensure your safety) might be to use an anonymous free web email service, such as hotmail or Yahoo's.

Although many Web personal-ad sites offer to perform an anonymous remailing service for you (responders reply to a box number, and their replies are forwarded to your email address), you should not forget that the personals site itself has your actual email address. Since some of these sites are run by "dominant" men who may be actively seeking submissive women partners, consider carefully whether you want to "out" yourself to such an individual. We have known of situations in which a postmaster of such a site has taken such an interest in a woman that he has blocked other replies to her ad and has continually pestered her about meeting him. When you post a personal ad, you will meet many "dominants" whom you decide, after one, five, or even 10 letters, are not right for you. If such a "dominant" is able to identify whom you really are, he will have something to threaten you with if he doesn't agree with your rejection of him.

2. Wait Before Revealing Yourself Until You're Sure a Person Can Be Trusted

Advice varies on how long to wait or what to look for before revealing your true identity to someone. Some people advise that you seek out and get at least three positive references for that person: three people who say that this person's a good guy or gal. This is really not terribly helpful, but if you insist on using it, try to seek them independently; ask around. Initially, do not ask the person whom you are interested in for the references, but find out where on line he hangs out (a chat room, a news group, a mailing list, a Web site), and ask the people at that hangout what they think of him. Submissives who have known him well are often good people to talk to concerning a "dominant." If you get a bad recommendation, consider it seriously and pursue even more references. If the person you're interested in is a public Scene personality and is well known in kinky circles, then search again another day: he is not what you need.

While getting references is often not worth the trouble, if you insist on taking this tack, please note that hell may freeze over before you find someone who knows the person you're interested in. Any man who is genuinely dominant would not, for reasons we have elaborated on elsewhere, touch the SM social Scene with a 10-foot pole, and so he will not be able to give you the numerous references that the party-hearty types can.

You can, of course, combine the collectiing of references with other ways of getting information about the person, such as using your common sense, intuition, and feelings of "right" or "wrong;" reading the person's public writings, if he posts to a mailing list or a news group; taking it very slow by asking lots of carefully thought-out questions; making absolutely sure you are satisfied with the answers; not meeting or talking to him until you feel sure he can be trusted; etc. (please, please try to understand that it is from extremely hard to impossible for a profoundly submissive person to make such judgements accurately; if you can find an honest and informed mentor, which is about as hard as finding a real dominant, please run the situation by him or her before making any judgements). Signs of untrustworthiness include:

• Avoiding or not answering important questions, even when you repeat them. Often a person who avoids your direct questions will attempt to manipulate you into forgetting that you asked by giving you a "goodie" at the same time: strong flattery, a very sexy letter, an expression of erotic desire for you.
• Being cagey about personal history, details, experience with S&M relationships; not providing enough information.
• Always asking you what you want or what you think about an issue or activity and then telling you: guess what! You're a very lucky girl because he feels exactly the same way. Or when you ask him what he wants, he turns the question around deftly, and you end up telling him what you want.
• Pressuring you for personal or identifying information before you feel comfortable giving it.

If a "dominant" does none of the things listed above in the course of getting to know a submissive, this could signify trustworthiness. On the other hand, it could also signify that he's read this advice to submissives and is following it religiously in order to give the impression of trustworthiness. Still, it is a good sign if he does things like letting out lots of detailed, checkable information about himself: whom he works for and what he does for a living, names of parents or siblings, what city he lives in. A person who volunteers these sort of verifiable data is more likely to be open and honest than someone who hides all personal information. And since this information is verifiable, by all means, see if it checks out. Don't just assume that because someone seems really open with you about his life that any of the stuff he tells you is necessarily true. It may all be a fabrication, but a couple of quick phone calls ought to tell you that. By all means beware the "dominant" who is charry with information about himself because "I've been hurt too many times before." On the surface, it sounds as if this is deeply emotional honesty. What it actually is is nonsense: no genuine dominant will ever refuse you any information with that bogus explanation.

There are at least two ways to get references on a "dominant." 1. Ask others who may know the "dominant." 2. Ask the "dominant" directly. You should use both methods. Asking other people who may know this "dominant" is important because the references a disreputable "dominant" gives you could be just like the work references most people put on their resumes: you list these particular people because you know they'll give you a glowing review, whether or not you actually deserve it. Important! References from "former slaves" are absolute proof that the man in question is not a dominant. No dominant has "former slaves" because once slavery is actually established with someone, no dominant would ever abandon it.

It is also important to ask the "dominant" directly for references, since his reaction to your request should give you some valuable information about him. Does he tell you that asking for references is a smart thing to do and then list some people you can talk to? Or does he puff up with angry pride, asking you how you dare to question his glorious authority, his wonderfulness, his integrity, his honor, or what-have-you, by presumptuously asking him to prove himself? What! Don't you trust him? After two long emails and "knowing" him online for a full week? Why you silly, suspicious goose of a submissive! People like you don't deserve the honor of serving at his feet, etc., ad nauseam. Needless to say, if a "dominant" starts handing you a load of shit like the above, run away as fast as your cyberfeet can carry you. This person is obviously not only untrustworthy, but he's immature, arrogant, and inexperienced enough to think that you should accept everything he says about himself at face value without expecting any verification or proof.

3. Do not call someone on the phone until you have done your research on him (see #2, above) and feel comfortable that this person is reliable.

Anyone with a caller ID box can easily get your phone number if you call them. If you feel that you must call before you completely trust someone, use a pay phone a good distance away from your home. There are ways to get around a caller-ID block, so don't rely on that tack. The impatient, the inexperienced, and the dangerous will all try to get you to call them before you are ready to. It's impossible to tell which type you're dealing with when all you see on your screen is "Call Me Immediately, slave at (XXX) XXX-XXXX!" It never hurts to ask him why he's in such a godawful hurry, why he presumes that you must obey his orders when you are not his slave, and why he's taking this aggressive attitude toward you. The answers of "cyber dominants" to questions like these can be very revealing: often this will tell you if you are dealing with a fool.

4. Be Wary of Individuals Who Dispense Free BDSM Information and Advice.

Some individuals set themselves up on a forum, on a chat room, or on on the Web, offering to assist or to mentor submissives or others on a one-on-one basis. They may be legitimate, but they are probably trolling for kinky chicks. If they offer email advice or an "information packet," have someone else whom you trust (preferably someone with a male name) write away for this information for you. Do the same if the individual operates a Web site and you have a questions about something on that site.

Keep telling yourself that just because someone offers you useful advice or tools for survival, he is not, therefore, automatically excluded from suspicion. How do you know that his intentions are good? Just because he's been able to state some very obvious pieces of relationship safety advice? To many of us, most of the stuff you'll hear from these individuals will be recognized as common knowledge--things anyone knows if they've spent a little time doing D&S.

It is an extremely common ploy (probably because it works so well) to attract submissives by appearing to be a disinterested mentor and generous font of information and good advice. It's extremely unfortunate, but in the SM subculture the cyberspace net gods, the writers of how-to and advice books or articles, the self-proclaimed know-it-alls and assorted Scene gurus are usually the sneakiest, lyingest, most underhanded predators in the subculture. They're using their reputations (or their pretense of reputations) to get playtoys, and more often than not, it works beautifully. Watch out for these self-promoters, the individuals who constantly and blatently (or sometimes subtly) toot their own horns, promoting their books, Web sites, organizations, or what have you in every other message they write.

5. Revealing Personal Information About Yourself to a Dominant Before You are Ready is Not an Act of Deep Submission; It Is an Act of Deep Stupidity.

While some "dominants" demand that you give them information which you do not want to give out, you do not have to obey. Do not be misled by a "dominant" who says that you must give him information because he is a master and you are a submissive. He is not your master. You are under absolutely no obligation to obey such a person. If a "dominant" asks for identifying information and you refuse him and explain why you are doing so, his reaction to your refusal will tell you a lot about the sort of person with whom you are dealing. A genuine and honest dominant will accept this rufusal with good grace, will understand your need for caution, will not see this as an attempt on your part to usurp or to threaten his "power" or his "domliness." A genuine dominant will wait until you are ready to trust him with this information. A genuine dominant will never hint around to you that your making yourself vulnerable to him in this way is an act of submission that is necessary on your part, a gift of submission. Who you really are and where you live should never become pawns in a power game between you two, and a genuine dominant will realize this. Who you really are and where you live are pieces of information that you give to individuals whom you trust. Anyone who constantly pressures you for that information or implies that you are not a good submissive if you don't give it to him has proven, beyond a doubt, that he cannot be trusted. At the very best, such a person is a fool who just doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, domination-wise; at the very worst, he is a calculating predator who may show up at your door someday unexpectedly and rape you or beat you to death.

Remember that when you are first getting to know someone, especially over the computer, he is not automatically your dominant just because you've answered his personal ad or he's answered yours or you've otherwise struck up an email conversation. You are equals, trying to find out if you mesh well with each other, and you remain equals until he consciously and explicitly takes power over you as your dominant. Any guy who tells you that you have to make this sort of decision by a certain deadline or he'll leave you because you're not really submissive to him is definitively not a dominant. You are under no obligation to follow such a creep's orders.

We have three very intelligent female submissive friends who in the last couple of years have placed personal ads for dominants in various media. Virtually all of the responses they get are from these clueless "dominant" wannabes who say, in essence, "Get down on your knees now slave and do my bidding!" These idiots think that just because they believe themselves to be dominant, anyone who identifies as a submissive is automatically required to do their bidding. My intelligent and experienced friends either throw out such letters on the spot or, if they're in a mischievous mood, play with the idiot's mind a little. But if you're brand new to submission, you may think that you are required to obey the commands of the "sexy, masterful dominant" who's just written you, especially if he's been more subtle and clever about ordering you around than the dum-dums described above. Don't fall for his lines, however clever. He doesn't own you. Finding enough out about a person in order to know whether you want him to be your dominant takes even the smartest individual many months and could take considerably longer--especially if you are initially confused about what you want from a power-exchange relationship. If you're inclined to attempt to give yourself away after only a couple of weeks of knowing someone, you're making a really dumb mistake that you'll regret later, once you stop thinking with your pussy.

6. Do not meet someone in real life until you are absolutely sure of him.

Repeat the following sentence 100 times:

Now think about what it means. Perhaps 60% to 70% of the grief that novice submissive women experience in cyberspace could be entirely eliminated if they were only able to heed the sentence above. Unfortunately, most of them are in far too much of a mad sexual frenzy to do so. Calm down. Your "dominant," if he really is a dominant, isn't going anywhere and, if he's controlling you properly, neither are you. You have the rest of your life to meet him and to spend with him if he's the right person for you, so why not take it slowly, and be sure? If your dominant is real, he will be more than willing to wait till you are sure of your safety.

7. Assuming that you are going to another town to meet your "dominant," such arrangements should include the following:

• Find out from your "dominant" exactly where he lives, and then verify that someone with his name actually lives at that address and is in the phone directory with the proper phone number. Also find out where he works, and check independently with the company's personnel department to make sure that he is indeed an employee there.
• Meet first in a very public place (if you're in a strange city, that means choosing a large mall or a popular restaurant that you know for certain is usually crowded) and have a plan about what to do if you do not feel comfortable after the meeting. It's important that if you feel the least bit weird about the situation or the person, that you not take him up on his offer to drive you back to the airport or train station. If you don't think you can trust this person, find your own transportation back, and do not leave the restaurant or public area for any reason until he's gone, not even to walk out to his car and wish him goodbye. In fact, if you find yourself fearful of the "dominant" after meeting him and you are in a restaurant, excuse yourself to go powder your nose, and then leave the restaurant quickly and unobtrusively. Don't go back.
• When you go to visit a "dominant," let a friend whom you trust absolutely know where you are going to be at all times, and check in with that friend at several pre-arranged times during your absence. Assuming that you meet your "dominant" at a restaurant before going someplace private, two good times to check in would be as you are leaving the restaurant (get the "dominant's" car license number, and give it to your friend) and when you first arrive at his house or the hotel where you will be staying with him. A genuine dominant will not mind this and will, in fact, encourage it.
• Verify that the private place where you end up is the same one that the "dominant" originally told you about and inform your friend if that has, for any reason, changed. Decide on a code word that will not raise the "dominant's" suspicions but if used by you to your friend means, "Get me out of this situation as quickly as you can!"
• Tell your friend exactly what you want him or her to do if you do not check in after the arranged time. Usually, you will want the police in the city or town that you are visiting to be called, with as much information about the "dominant's" identity as you have been able to collect.
• And finally, remember to call your friend at the right times! If you don't, if you've spaced it out in the heat of passion or romance, and if your friend is as responsible and trustworthy as is necessary, you and your new partner may soon find the police banging on his door and perhaps dragging him away at a very inappropriate moment.
• If you are to meet the "dominant" in your own town (a safer situation, usually), take similar precautions, and also get a friend to accompany you to the restaurant (they don't have to sit with you, they don't even have to indicate that they know you). Your friend should stay until you are ready to leave, watching from a place from which you are visible, and then walk you to your car, and perhaps even follow you home and see you inside.

8. Whatever You Do, Take it Slow, Please!

Use your common sense. Use whatever you've learned about being safe in conventional dating situations. Talk to other submissives: learn from their mistakes and disastrous experiences. Don't rush into anything, no matter how thrilling and right it seems. D&S is obsessively exciting, especially when you are discovering your submissive sexuality for the first time. Realize that because of this excitement, you will have a tendency to be carried away, and this puts you in a particularly vulnerable position. Realize that there are experienced predators out there who prey on novice submissives like you precisely because you are so easy: you're often thinking with your pussy and not with your brains. It's as if, when you first discover submissiveness, you go temporarily insane and start acting like a cat in heat. Realize that you're not the first one to do this, that we wouldn't have to talk about all this if it were not such a common experience for newly aware submissive women. The rash actions which they often take during this sexual-discovery period often end very badly for them. Ask yourself if you want to be just another horrible example that other, wiser submissives will learn from. Or do you want to learn from the blunders of those who have come before you? It's your choice, ultimately. Try to make it with your head. Please.

What's Next: Personal Ad Posting Tips

The next page contains some practical advice that might make posting personal ads to multiple Web sites easier. It also tells you what to watch out for on these sites to avoid hidden costs and hassles and also how to protect your anonymonity when posting to such sites.