This link leads
to a transcript of an email conversation we had with a submissive woman
who contacted us with some questions and musings about submission. New
submissives who encounter the S&M Scene via message boards, play
parties, chat rooms, munches, and other social activities of the S&M
subculture will find this document to be of special interest.
"Betsy"
wrote us to ask where she can find information about how to "improve"
herself as a submissive, as her master has assigned her this task. This
link leads to a brief paraphrase of her questions and our full response.
"Catherine"
posted a heart-rending message to a BDSM news group about the callous
way in which a "dominant" told her he did not care about her because
he never gets emotionally involved with his submissives, who are, after
all, easily replaced. Catherine drew the wrong conclusions from this
experience, and another submissive, responding to her, attempted to
give her a more realistic perspective.
"Dana's"
problem is the one we hear most frequently about from the submissive
women who write us: what to do when one's husband or longterm partner
has no interest in dominance and submission. The answer to this question
is never easy and is seldom pleasant to hear, but it is essential for
a woman in this situation to understand her circumstances and options
clearly so that she can make the choice that is best for her. Readers
who are interested in this issue should also see our in-depth conversation
with Lori, below.
"Edward,"
a man who believes himself to be a dominant, read a submissive's personal
ad, responded to it, didn't like her reply, and wrote Jon, her mentor,
to complain about it. We reproduce this brief exchange here, because
Edward exemplifies a sort of individual, common on the nets, who considers
himself to be "dominant" but who is utterly clueless about submissives
and about the nature of power exchange. Some inexperienced submissive
women, upon encountering such an idiot, assume that he has to be obeyed
or at least respected because "this is the way dominants are." We hope,
in publishing our response to him, to provide such women with an example
of how they actually ought to respond to this sort of fool. He
deserves no better than this.
"Gina"
is a married woman who will soon divorce her husband in order to be
able to live with her dominant, whom she met in a chat room and whom
she sees in real life about once a week. She is very troubled by the
fact that, despite an agreement with him that their relationship would
be monogamous, her dominant has now told her that if she is a "true
submissive," she will accept the idea that it is his right to have another
submissive if he wants to. Many submissive women experience jealousy,
anxiety, and hurt at the reality or even, as in Gina's case, at the
potential of having to "share" their masters with other submissives.
These are sensitive and potentially disastrous situations, ones which
we have discussed with many submissives in email. Our letter to Gina
discusses the essential points which a submissive woman in this situation
must consider.
Jon had several
email conversations with "Traci," Henry's wife, when, at her
request, "Henry" wrote us. Henry practiced on Traci a sort
of on-again, off-again style of dominance that seems very common among
men who have some dominant feelings but who lack experience and who
often have limited dominant needs. When things were good, Henry was
everything Traci dreamed of in a master. When the going got rough, however,
Henry withdrew emotionally, had a screaming match with Traci, or otherwise
took a time out from being the controlling party in the relationship.
Naturally, this inconsistent behavior disturbed Traci and made her wonder
if he were capable of being consistently dominant with her. In this
exchange, Jon describes to Henry the kinds of questions he must ask
himself to determine what he wants from his relationship with Traci
and whether his needs are compatible with hers.
Both of these brief
email exchanges deal with the issue of where a sadomasochist can go
to find professional counseling or therapy and what to think about before
he or she does so. We briefly discuss the hard realities of therapy
for kinky people, particularly the attitudes that conventional therapists
have toward sadomasochism and how those attitudes can affect the person
seeking help.
"Jamila"
is a woman with a Middle Eastern heritage who is concerned about how
pro-submission articles like Polly's "Violence in the Garden" may be setting back the movement
for women's rights, especially in countries in the Middle East, where
these rights largely have yet to be achieved. In this conversation,
Polly responds in detail to Jamila's critical views about submissiveness
while contesting Jamila's primary thesis: that submissives like Polly
should not choose to live within power-exchange relationships since
doing so is a self-indulgent act that sets all women back.
One of the prerequisites
of successful power-exchange relationships, a necessity understood by
few in the S&M Scene, is that a dominant, in taking on a submissive
partner, also takes on responsibility for her. When he thinks, he thinks
for two; when he makes decisions, he makes them for two, not just for
himself; and when he gets irrationally angry, he does far more damage
to someone who is emotionally dependent on him than to someone who is
his power equal. Many people with dominant inclinations seem unable
to comprehend or to deal with this basic fact. They want someone to
order around when it is convenient, but when it comes to being adult,
responsible, mature, thinking for two, and doing the hard work of a
power-exchange relationship, they are utterly at sea. In this email
exchange, we tell "Kate", a submissive who has run into a
prime example of such a person, how to deal with her unfortunate situation.
In the conversation
with Dana, above, we discuss the basic issues which a submissive woman
with a partner with conventional sexual needs must consider. In this
extensive email exchange with "Lori," we talk about many of
these same issues, plus a few others, in detail. Like Dana, Lori wrote
us for advice about how to deal with living with a husband who is uninterested
in power exchange. In our replies to her we describe her options in
detail and provide her with feedback on what is likely and what is not
likely to happen in a situation like hers.
Although "Molly's"
letters to us cannot be reproduced here, Polly's response to her may
be interesting to readers for two reasons. The first part of Polly's
letter dispels some common myths about D&S relationships. The second
part discusses the essential differences between absolute and non-absolute
power-exchange relationships in the context of helping someone to decide
which type is best for her.
In this message
to a mailing list for submissive women, Polly states, "I've noticed
that at the beginning of a D&S relationship, the submissive and the
dominant--especially if they are both relatively inexperienced--are
often both trying to impress each other with how well they perform in
their roles: how great a dominant he is, how deep and obedient a submissive
she is." When a couple feels this way, which Polly calls their "Sir
Steven and O" phase, they are out of touch with the realities of power-exchange
relationships, inasmuch as they expect theirs to be perfect. Polly offers
suggestions to "Nancy" in this piece on how to get some perspective
back, partially through realizing that "just because you become someone's
submissive or slave doesn't mean that you instantly lose all the ordinary
assertive self-interest that has built up over a lifetime and that serves
you quite well in the world at large." Learning to balance this strong,
natural, and habitual self-interest with the requirements of slavery
is a lifelong task, but Polly gives some pointers on where both submissives
and their dominants can begin.
Jon wrote this
letter some time ago to the dominant partner of a friend of ours. Even
though both people were seriously committed to an absolute power exchange,
the relationship was close to ending because of a misunderstanding that
is very common among inexperienced dominants: the ideas that submissiveness
and passivity are the same thing or at least are closely related and
that aggressiveness and resistance are proof that a person is not submissive.
We've changed the names and include the letter here in the hope that
it will help other sincere but inexperienced dominant men to avoid this
often-calamitous misunderstanding. A number of months later, many things
had happened to our submissive friend and her dominant. At "Zoe's" request,
Jon wrote a second and final letter to her "master." While there was
no happy ending to their relationship, we hope that the publication
of these letters, which describe what is actually a quite common situation,
can help other couples to avoid a similar tragedy.
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Pearls Before
Absolute Power Exchange